Breaking Down, Not Growing Around, Trauma

In working with trauma and grief, I have often heard the phrase “your life grows around the trauma.” I understand the sentiment. There’s a sense that the memory and emotional response to the trauma never shrinks or wanes but that we can expand our lives to include other things, thus making the trauma seem smaller or less impactful at times by comparison. While many find this sentiment helpful, I would like to offer a contrary perspective which may offer even greater hope.

We should endeavor to “break down” rather than “grow around” the trauma.

Shortly after trauma occurs, the experiential memory, thoughts during and after, and the surrounding feelings all feel like one entangled clump. It is difficult to bring one component to mind without the others. Several approaches to trauma, including those I practice, endeavor to process trauma by separating the components into smaller, more manageable parts so they no longer automatically activate one another. Broken down, each aspect of the experience can be best integrated into your overall life story. What happened cannot be changed. It is part of your larger life narrative regardless, and despite the negatives, there can be positives. This is commonly referred to as “post-traumatic growth.” We can learn lessons, develop new relationships, and pursue new objectives we would not have otherwise because trauma has happened. Rather than just growing in areas around or apart from the trauma, why not allow the positive influences and grow with the trauma in mind.

The modalities I utilize in therapy were not selected arbitrarily. Yes, I value them for a variety of reasons, but one set is certainly their applicability to this challenge.

Rewind Therapy is designed to stop the involuntary recall and the avoidance of triggers.

Interpersonal and Social Rhythms Therapy is perfect for reregulating diet, sleep, work, and relationships.

Psychodynamic Therapy recontextualizes any past trauma and its effects on one’s future as a connected through-line.

Existential Therapy thrives with questions of worldview: you likely knew terrible things could happen but never fathomed they would happen to you.

So, yes, we could focus on all the aspects of your life beyond the trauma; there is surely endless material to do so. Yet, I see far more potential in separating the components, reregulating, reframing, and rediscovering who you are despite the trauma. Choose to be a person who has worked through and overcome rather than one who has simply worked around.